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The Squirrel autopsy has taken place under clinical and controlled conditions, with all the best technical equipment, by trained staff – Or – on the kitchen table, with Craft knives from the art shop, by the Silly Brothers, under the slightly-less-lackadaisical-than-usual supervision of Somewhat Coerced Husband.  Owing the to the rather pungent aroma the kitchen subsequently had to be evacuated and was declared out of action in order for the air to clear – so lunch had to be reconvened at the Pub. Discussion of the Case may have put the other clientele off their steak and chips.

The Cause of Death established: Broken Ribs and Punctured lungs – could be attributed to Falling – but the question remained –Did he fall or was he pushed?

A full investigation was launched; Detectives Sam and Ben (suitably attired from the dressing up box) cordoned off the scene and began their forensic examination. Something was rotten in this small plot, this idyllic English village green – a fingertip search for clues unearthed rather more than expected. There, amongst the cat poo, pine cones and general detritus, we found fresh wood shavings!

On looking up it could clearly be seen, next to the squirrels dray, several large branches had been removed. The plot thickened – but who would want to kill a harmless tree rat? Taking into account the surrounding circumstance and dramatis personae it became easier to understand, the motive was becoming clearer. The deceased had been a witness to and the victim of a crime!

The Evidence

  • Point 1: The Maintenance of the Squirrel’s tree is a hotly disputed issue – every year warring parties amass under its spreading branches to uphold their respective positions – the LittleTrimians versus the BigLopians. Discussions become acrimonious and are abandoned due to lack of consensus – and so the tree grows unhindered.
  • Point 2: Some person or persons unknown had, under the cover of darkness, removed vital elements of the habitat and domicile of the deceased.
  • Point 3: The Deceased had no doubt witnessed this covert assault and either quietly been got rid of in order that He may not speak out – Or more prosaically, had gone to sleep and needing his midnight pee stepped out onto a branch that wasn’t there.

Question: was it murder or reckless endangerment?  I foresee a blood bath at the next residents meeting.

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