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Have been embroiled in the party season. Having lots of fun – usually by accident.

The birthday party  This had an inauspicious start when an early, uninvited guest was discovered to have set up home in the party bags. The bastard mouse had eaten all the smarties and shat on everything else. This being discovered on morning of party it called for pretty quick substitutions so I hope the children liked their raisins and books! Useless, bloody cat is terrified of both the mouse and, in fact, the (very fluffy non threatening) rabbit. Someone clearly needs to have a word with him on the subject of social responsibility.

As I am so successful with pets obviously the thing to do was to give Sam Stick Insects for his birthday. Have indeed got fond memories of mine – called Cyril and Anthea.

  • Stick insects are brilliant.
  • They eat privet hedge clippings (free)
  • They are hermaphrodite (self entertaining)
  • They do tiny poos (not much cleaning)

Unfortunately they sometimes fight to the death during lunch.

Also discovered on morning of party was the fact that Sam had been collecting this own colony, nesting in his thatch of hair. Managed to persuade him that greased back hair (with nit lotion) was a v. cool look for a party. Certainly better than infesting new-found friends following their recent recovery from foot and mouth.

The School Disco 

At this the children learnt early many of life’s important lessons

  • Imogen- that ‘boys don’t like to be chased’
  • Sam- that ‘girls always dance with their best friend even when you do really good air-guitar to impress them.
  • Ben – that ‘Crisps are great’.
  • Harriet – that if you make Mummy dance with you for 2 solid hours then a prize will, eventually, come your way. The sweet taste of success! Even if the award is for the most ‘Enthusiastic Dancer’ chocolate is still chocolate.


While my normal children dressed up as Pumpkins or Morticia, guess-who helped the stuffy intellectual with-no-telly image that I have accidentally acquired, by dressing up as Cerberus. LONDONERS BEWARE. Cerberus is the 3 headed dog – belonging to Medusa who guards the entrance to the UNDERGROUND.

Ben also managed to please Oppressed Husband enormously by pointing at a large chap dressed as the Grim Reaper and declaring “He’s a lawyer”. It turns out he meant ‘student’ but ‘from the mouths of babes’.